Funny Things to Say at the Beginning of a Speech

101 Funny Random Things To Say

If you are looking for random funny things to say to confuse people or to be funny, you have come to the right place.  Below is Bergeron's growing list of funny and random things to say to just about anyone anywhere in the entire universe.

If you enjoy having fun then this list is for you.  Life is too short to not do silly and funny stuff every now and again.

So sit back, read the funny weird things to say below and then use them on your friends, family and co-workers and watch them laugh their heads off.

Most Funny Random Things To Say

1. My teeth itch.
2. My hair hurts.
3. I'm going to get my toe nail pierced this weekend.
4. When in a grocery store ask the clerk "do you have Prince Albert in a can?", if they say yes, tell them to let him go.
5. Chocolate milk comes from brown cows you know.
6. Never play golf with a doctor who wears green socks.
7. My nipple is broken.
8. My eye socket is warm.
9. Do you eat other peoples finger nails?
10. Have you ever tried sleeping in water?
11. Why aren't shorts half the price of pants?

Funny Things To Say In A Conversation Or Text

Need some funny random things to say to crack up your friends? Or perhaps you want to break the ice with an online dating match. Here are some unique and funny random things to say in a text or conversation.

Our growing list of funny things to say:

1. When asked a question where you know the answer is yes, instead of saying yes, say "Does the Pope wear a tall hat?"
2. If you are driving down the road and pass a field with hay bales laying in it, point at the field and yell "Hey".
3. Go into a pet store and ask them if they have sloths for sale.
4. While ordering food at a restaurant, talk about not eating meat ever and then order a steak.
5. While ordering food at a restaurant, ask the server for their top two dishes they like (or that people or), then choose something completely different.
6. Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?
7. Why are jumbo shrimp so small?
8. What's your favorite my little pony?
9. Can vegetarians still eat animal crackers?
10. Just text someone a random word and see what happens.
11. Send a text message to your phone number but increase the last digit by one (your text friend.)
12. Start a group text with random phone numbers and start talking about a serious problem you have.
13. Send someone a text of a lottery ticket and tell them you just won $1,000,000.
14. When a friend suggests going for coffee, say "Don't you know there's a war on?"
15. When someone randomly changes the subject, shout, "He's at it again!"
16. In the middle of a positive conversation, interject, "Now let's talk about why I'm bitter."
17. At the dinner table, when someone picks up a condiment, point at them and declare, "That is for members only."
18. When someone asks you a serious question, ponder for a moment, then reply, "Cats don't roller skate."
19. The next time someone thanks you for something, say, "I'm going to hell so you don't have to."
20. If you butt dial a friend, send them a text that says, "That was your final warning."
21. When someone says something negative about another person, nod thoughtfully and say, "He buttered his shoelaces upside down."
22. In a grocery store, ask a stranger, "Do you know where I might find pickled pollywogs?"
23. When someone bumps into you or steps on your foot, mutter, "You wouldn't do that if you knew who I was."
24. If you bump into someone or step on their foot, say, "I'm sorry. If I'd meant to do it, you'd know."
25. Enter a room full of people and say sullenly, "Well. The warthogs have outdone us all."
26. When asked how you are, say, "Up an anthill with a butter knife and a bowl of soup."
27. Send a work colleague an email that only says, "I regret to inform you that you are no longer welcome at The Knights Of The Twisted Knee."
28. Ask your boss for time off for "cake bereavement."
29. When you run across someone you know at random, tell them, "Hey, you. I want my wheelbarrow back!"
30. When someone asks how you know a mutual friend, say, "Beetle fighting."
31. When someone asks where you're from, stare at them blankly for an uncomfortable amount of time, then whisper, "They told me, Wisconsin."
32. Send a text that says, "I told you it would come to this. I told you seventeen times."
33. On an elevator, ask someone, "Are you here for the dog food tasting?"
34. Offer someone a piece of gum and say, "It's not what you think."
35. When someone asks a favor, say, "After all these years, am I still beholden to you?"
36. When someone asks the time, say, "Time for a piece of porcupine piñata."
37. How many people put a suit in a suitcase?
38. If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster?
39. Why don't we call a jumping jack a jumping jump?
40. Is there such a thing as a honey moon?
41. Is Hong Kong related to King Kong or Donkey Kong?
42. Is a shot of tequila related to a shot of penicillin?
43. Why is a roller-coaster called such when it doesn't roll and it doesn't coast?
44. Does a reality show really show reality?
45. If corn can be corny can a can be canny?
46. Can you ever find a whale in a well?
47. If hamburger makes a meatloaf does laziness make me-a-loaf?
48. Is Friday the end of the week, or is Saturday, or is Sunday, or is Sunday the first day of the week?
49. If you say a prayer in church what do you say in the bathroom?
50. If you relieve yourself in the bathroom can you also relieve yourself by eating?
51. Does an airplane have brakes?
52. What does the 19 mean in Covid? Will the next virus be Covid 20?
53. If P.E. stands for Physical Education why does PPE stand for Personal Protective Equipment?
54. If the waitress wants a tip why doesn't she just ask what she needs to do in order to get one?
55. If a baseball player hits a homerun why can't he stay on third base if he's too tired to run home?
56. Why is a necklace called such, it doesn't have any lace attached.
57. Why don't we call a chocolate chip cookie a CCC?
58. Why is hopscotch named as such? It doesn't have any hops and it doesn't have any scotch.
59. Is a bracelet considered to be a brace?
60. Why is chocolate ice cream called chocolate when vanilla ice cream is not called yellow?
61. Why is a pancake fried while a chocolate cake is baked?
62. Why do we have royalty in a deck of cards such as the king and queen and then along comes the joker?
63. Does everyone who says the Pledge of Allegiance really make a pledge?
64. Why do we say a person is fired when there is no fire?
65. What happens when you tell someone to take a hike and you're on an airplane?
66. Is tin foil made from tin?
67. When will we change "give you a penny for your thoughts" to "give you a dollar for your thoughts?"
68. Can you find a card inside of cardboard or will you find a board?
69. What happens to the plastic when you have plastic surgery?
70. What do you do when you find the needle in the haystack?
71. Can you use your putter to putter around the golf course?
72. Is a motor home really a home with a motor on it?
73. If you are in jail can you ever collect a get out of jail card for free?
74. Would a crocodile snap at a snapping turtle?
75. Are you supposed to serve coffee on a coffee table?
76. Since basketball is named such why isn't golf named golfball?
77. If a condominium is called a condo why isn't an apartment called an aparto?
78. Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?
79. Why don't we put "the beginning" like we put "the end?"
80. If laughter is good for the soul what is the soul good for?
81. If our economy is broken, how do we fix it?
82. If you name your daughter Angel, aren't you afraid she will fly away?
83. Is corn candy related to corn nuts?
84. If you shop inside the stock market is it stocked with fruits and vegetables?
85. Can a car stop at a bus stop?
86. How can you scoot along if you don't have a scooter?
87. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what would a mural be worth?
88. If you are on a diet how do you feel about the first three letters in the word?
89. Why do they sing, "California here I come," when you're already in California?
90. Thank heavens for brown cows otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk.

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Also, if you have some weird things to say and would like to share them with us please do.  We are always looking for new and weird things to add to our list!

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Source: https://www.bergeronknows.com/lists/20-funny-random-things-to-say/

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